Heinz 57…. A Variety (of blog subjects)

Right, apologies to some of you who have been hassling me, the last post was in July, I know it’s been nearly three month, but I have a life! If I didn’t there would be nothing to write about!

So where to start? Well since I last spoke to you, I have drastically changed my lifestyle! Its all been rather exciting and intriguing all at the same time!

Firstly I’ll start with a reference to the last post entitled, Loss. As the more astute of you may have guess that was me trying to sort things out in my head, I don’t do emotional wreckage, but I do seem to bottle well and then try and make sense of it in a logical way without revealing any details of what the problem is! I know its not good to bottle things up but it’s my way, calm and neutral all the way, usually.

Loss was triggered by a PA leaving, then to compound it after I had written it another left. Both of whom I considered to be good friends, and hopefully they still are, it was just a time when I thought it had all settled down and I have a great set of people. If you read Loss and read between the lines you can see how I felt, so I won’t go over it again here…

So after those two lovely people departed my life it was time to fill the void! That’s the first fun story to tell you. So there I was needing two new personal assistants. I did the usual of putting the generic advert on Gumtree and waiting with baited breath to see what I got back. Its always fun…

I am going to let you into my life a little here so you can see the hilarity of the sort of responses you get in my lifestyle. I won’t bore you with the whole advert, but I think for illustrative purposes it’s important that I show you the last two paragraphs.

“If you are interested in the job and would like more information or to apply please send me an email with your CV to xxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.co.uk

I would also be grateful if you would include a bit about yourself, and what you like to do, just so I could get a picture of the sort of person I am employing!”


Now, I am going to credit you with some intellect, after all you read my ranting and lunacy, but some of the replies didn’t quite come up to the same standard. All I am asking for is a CV and a bit of writing about yourself, just so I can get a tiny bit of a feel for the sort of person I am employing, is it too much to ask? Really? Well, have a look at some of the replies I got, I promise you hand on heart that I have just cut and pasted these, and then bolded and italicised them to make them stand out, all grammar and style is how it arrived!

Contestant Number One

“hello my name is Elaine Im interested in the position please do not hesitate to call me with any questions you would like me to answer my mobil no is 07xxxxxxxx”

Contestant Number Two

“hello there iam zoltan from romania and i work here as as a pa carer and iam looking for a similar job position in uk iam experienced carer i can prove a reference iam non smoker reliable trustworthy 36 years old male and i would like to help this gentleman so i could start really soon so iam looking forward to hear from you”

and then on a second email he added…

“sorry i write yo again a must tell you more about me i like to trawel i have been in 22 country when i was younger i wote many articles about music mostly 80's music british too 1999 i was living in uk and ireland i like the british culture i speak four languages i think i could be a good company for you since 2007 romania is also member of eu union i like the british lifestyle normaly iam hungarian but i was born in romania there is a national minority in romania i really like to trawel and i want to go back in uk asap so you can cant on me best wishes.”

Now, firstly before I berate these idiots, I would like to point out I am not a xenophobe, but I do dislike idiots who cannot seem to follow simple instructions.
I specifically asked for a CV, both Elaine and Zoltan failed on that one!
More scarily though, did you see Zoltan’s last line? I want to go back in the uk asap!
Oh my how the alarm bells rang, needless to say he didn’t get an interview, funnily enough neither did Elaine.
Why is it so hard to follow instructions these days? I want people I can rely on to work for me, not moronic oafs!

Anyway from the emails I had I decided to hold three interviews. The first was the strangest, most uncomfortable, dull, painful experiences I have ever had.
Admittedly I did have a chat to her beforehand on the phone and say to her that she didn’t need to worry too much, it was not completely formal. She was very nervous, I wanted to give her a fair chance. I was wrong to do that I think! She was so dull! When we had gone through her career history, “I work in an home for people with mental difficulties”, I decided to move onto her as a person, as in reality, experience isn’t vital, I can teach anyone what is needed. So there I was, I asked her the killer question, “so, what do you like doing at the weekends when you aren’t at work”.

I naively thought that this might give her free reign to describe herself and what she likes to do, it was after all for a weekend post, and if we liked doing the same things, it could work out after all.

I got this as a reply, “not much, I tend to just sit on the sofa”.

Most of you reading this know me, and for those of you that don’t, I am a pretty sociable, active, fun loving individual, so I was starting to think she wasn’t the right person for the job. My suspicions were confirmed when she said, I need to pop some pills, and proceeded to drop some pills into her drink…

Thankfully that was near the end of the interview, after forty minutes or so of painful awkwardness it was time for her to leave. Just as she stepped over my threshold and out of the door, she turned back to me and said, “I’m gonna be the best candidate you get you know”.

How I prayed she would be wrong!!

Thankfully she was, the next two people I employed got the jobs! I now have two cool people, who I am getting to know, it was only six weeks ago they started, and so far so good!

So there you have it, my comedy PA interview story, after I had done that, it was time to live life! They weren’t going to start working for me until September, and by the time I had chosen them it was the end of July, beginning of August.

Simultaneously to this happening, I finished working as a college lecturer and technician. I have a new job! Gone are the late nights of lesson planning and things of that nature. I now work at a software company (widgit), making resources for people with literacy difficulties, its great, the people there are all so nice, and so far it’s been pretty easy! Think they like me too, which is always a bonus. I’ll fill you in more on the job as it happens, and I am sure there will be adventures along the way, watch this space.


The software company job is four days a week, which is dead handy for me as I can still work for Hereward, the college I used to teach at, as a researcher, which I really love doing, its so varied, I love it! It also meant that I was around to be asked to teach again in the evenings, but this time for Coventry Adult Ed, not Hereward, which is a bonus, twice the hourly rate for the same job, and also another night at a school across the city, handy income for Christmas!

Its really nice to be in a position of financial security these days, seems ironic its happened to me just as the rest of the world is in a credit crisis. Don’t get me wrong I am not smug, just happy and grateful to have the new security!

Mental checklist time, that’s new job and PAs covered, on to the holiday!

I had a great holiday this year, with the family in a trailer tent in France. I really honestly do love camping, and I love France too. There aren’t many interesting stories to tell you from France, had a lovely time and got to take photo’s, was nice to be taking them again rather than teaching people how to do it, especially with my new camera! Yes I finally moved into the digital age, I bought a Panasonic LX3. I am not going to review it in any depth, as I don’t want to! I think its ace, it is completely easy to use and totally suits my needs, I love it.
I will put some of the pictures on flickr sooner or later, I particularly love the sunset, so keep an eye out and see what you think to them, all comments are welcome!

So that pretty much brings us up to date, except for I have had a meeting with the Social Worker, who I am sure is still on a path to reducing my support that I get.

As a bit of background for you, I decided to get militant, you will know from previous posts that they have been after me for a while. So I thought I would seek a bit of medical backup, in the form of a leading neuro-scientist, who is very well respected in his field, and is a leading specialist on my particular condition.

I got an appointment to see him, and forewarned my social worker with this polite but forceful email… (don’t worry its only an extract!)

“What will the reassessment of the care package involve?

If it is a reassessment of my needs I would prefer to wait until I have seen the country's leading neuro-science specialist at the John Radcliffe
Hospital in Oxford, as he is a leading medical voice in Muscular
Dystrophy, and as my condition is genetically unique, I would rather wait to have his assessment of my needs, as I feel that it would be an unfair assessment due to the lack of knowledge of my condition both on my and social services part.

I am in contact with the John Radcliffe and am awaiting an appointment.

I also feel personally that if the reassessment of my needs means that I incur a reduction in the amount of support I receive it is defeating the point of assisting me to become more independent.”

I think that this is a fair email, I want a specialist to give me advice, no one really knows what is going to happen to me as I am a bit of a genetic oddity. I got this response… (another extract).

“I have explained before that the services which the Team provides are dependent on whether your needs meet the current Eligibility Criteria and not necessarily on your medical condition - a change in Eligibility Criteria can result in either an increase or reduction in service even if the medical condition remains unchanged.

An annual review is carried out with all service users to ensure that their care package still meets their needs and can result in the package remaining the same, decreasing or increasing. Where possible any needs that cannot be met under the Eligibility Criteria are covered by an application to the ILF - but in your case the most recent application was turned down as there are timescales which were exceeded. In some instances funding can also be provided by Health (your night support needs are met this way) or by Access To Work (who fund 40 per week support for you).

The re-assessment is not being done in order to cut your package but clearly this could be one outcome of the assessment.”

Sorry, if you’ve stuck with me this far, its ranting time again, but I promise this will be the last one, of this post anyway up to the end of this sentence we are up to two thousand one hundred and sixty seven words!

So, if I paraphrase the first paragraph of that extract they are saying to me, that it doesn’t actually matter if my needs change medically, it’s all about the criteria that they fund. These criteria are reviewed annually at the Council, and then they decide which band they are funding, if a need that gets supported one year isn’t in the funded criteria band after they have reviewed it, I get less help! Something doesn’t seem at all right there to me, what do you think?

Secondly is it just my paranoia, or does that last sentence ring of premeditated package cutting, and contain a veiled threat? Again perhaps I am just being a silly disabled person, clearly what my Social Work Team seems to think I am! I’ll keep you informed as to what happens with this one, I’ll warn you now though, if it doesn’t go my way, you may see a lot more of me, I am going to the media, because I think that this is shocking, and that it’s a daft way to run support services, all I am trying to do is live a normal life! We aren’t talking local media either; you’ll see me on the breakfast news and GMTV!

Right so there you have it more of a catch up than anything particularly structured or meaningful, hope you enjoyed the insight…

Tell you what, let’s do it over coffee in Browns next time, get in touch if you want to take me up on the offer! We'll arrange a time!

This is the real test of whether anyone reads my blog, scared now it might be an expensive round!

russ.smith.01@googlemail.com